Epic Failure

There they were.  The cables to ascend to the peak of Half Dome in Yosemite National Park were finally within my view.  I could see several hundred people as they ventured to the top.  I was sitting just below the switchbacks of the subdome, staring and asking myself, "Do you have it in you right now to make it up those cables?"

Before I reveal my decision, let's skip back to the beginning.  Not just the beginning of this 20 mile day hike, but the beginning of my decision to venture to the top of half dome.

In my early teens (I honestly do not remember when), we were camping with relatives in Yosemite.  One sunny afternoon, our group got the idea to venture to the top of Vernal Falls.  It was here that I fell in love with hiking and first truly experienced the awesomeness of God's creation. It was me, my brother Jeremy and my Dad that ventured to the top and we finally made it, soaked but feeling like we conquered the world (and it was only a mile and a half one way!)

I found out shortly after that trip that the hike we did was the start of the hike to half dome.  Immediately I decided that someday, I would take this hike to that awesome granite rock and hopefully get to the very top!

I visited Yosemite several times between that first Vernal Falls hike until this most recent trip of 2010.  Most times I visited the park, I would re-take the Vernal falls hike.  Even taking my wife Breeann with me for two of the times.  I must say, something about being right at the edge of Vernal Falls looking down at the amazingness it overlooks, really puts me in my place. It really is one of my favorite places in the world. All it takes is a quick second for me to realize that creation truly is crying out that God is vastly bigger than anything I can imagine, yet he still loves me and chooses to use me.  It's beyond comprehension.

June 22, 2010.  So it was finally here!  The day I was going to hike to the top of Half Dome!  I slept horribly the night before! I'm not sure if it was from being too hot, or sleeping on pure ground with no padding or what, but either way, I did not get enough rest.  Yeah right!  Like that is going to stop me!  I was all ready to go!  Backpack? Check! Water? Check! Sunglasses? Check!  You get the idea.  And so it was, we were on our way and my excitement was growing bigger than ever.

We finally got started around 7:15.  We started up the Mist trail towards the well-known Vernal Falls.  I started to feel something I hadn't before.  I was feeling physical exhaustion.  Maybe I was dehydrated, I quickly drank some water and kept on trekking, noticing that I was falling further and further behind the rest of the group.  My heart was rapidly sinking, realizing that I wasn't as ready for this trip as I thought.  Doubt quickly set in.  It was at that moment, I said what would be of several prayers to God asking for his strength.

My prayer went something like this: "God, you know how long I have wanted to do this hike, and I realize now that I may not make it the whole way.  I pray that you give me the strength, to venture as long as you would like me to go, and when you want me to go no further, I pray that you make that very clear."

So from that point on, it was one step at a time.  I had no other choice. Soon, my best friend Jon was walking with me, stopping every so often for a breather and eventually I told him to continue on without me.  Eventually, I made it to the top of Vernal Falls.  Finally!  I could breathe again, It was here where I would decide, am I going to go further?  Or is this as far as I was going to make it?  I said another prayer and God clearly revealed it was ok to go further.  I caught my breath and continued on alone.  On to Nevada Falls!

I was finally in unfamiliar territory!  It was just me and God and I was starting to feel that there was more purpose to just getting to the top of a rock to what I was experiencing but I wouldn't truly understand this until much later in the day.  I ventured on alone for another mile and a half until I reached the top of Nevada Falls.  Suprisingly, I was much less tired than I was before!  I continued to constantly talk to God on the trip, everytime I felt short of breath or pain, I would say, "God, please let me accomplish as much as you want me to so I can say that you gave me the strength.  Let this be for your Glory, not for mine"

Little Yosemite Valley wasn't too far ahead so I caught my breath and I kept on going.  I quickly ran into Stephen Burton who told me that the rest of the group was at the river ahead, filling up with water.  I thought to myself, "really? They are THAT close?!"  About a quarter mile later, I ran into Eric and Sarah and her mom. They told me that they were going to continue to the top and to tell the rest of the group.  I decided to continue to venture towards the group at the river.   I was whistling the whole time around the area, because honestly, I had NO clue where to go or where they were!  I then heard something OH SO familiar.  A familiar Squeak.  I answered it with a squeak back and realized that I had caught up to the other group!  Jon Jessee!  John Osburn!  Stacy!  The entire group.  I put my stuff down, re-filled my water bottles with Merced River water (Thank you to Chance for filtering it for me!)  I ate some Tootsie Rolls, some beef jerky and then decided it was ok for me to continue on.  So, in a familiar fashion as the start of the hike, we took off towards the second half of the hike. 

Soon, everyone was slowly pulling ahead of me again (no suprise there, after all, I never was good at cross country, I was always more of a sprinter!)  I told them that it was ok and that I was going to pace myself and spend time talking to God.  After all, it got me this far!  So that's what happened.  It was just me and God again and I was ok with that!

About a mile later, I ran into a group of 3 guys.  They were all going at a similar pace as I was and I noticed that one of their shirts said "Manteca Football."  I had some great conversation with these guys and realized that the one with the shirt looked familiar.  I realized it was Brad Garlets and I asked him if he knew my brothers Aaron and Brandon and he said that he did.  I spent about two miles hiking in the same vicinity at the same pace as these guys.  I would pass them, rest, and they would pass me and rest.  I continued to talk to God and thank him for the quick companionship he was giving me in others around me. 

I finally stopped and took a real breather and down the path I noticed that Rosalynn Jessee, my best friends' wife was coming up the trail with her friend Ruth and her boyfriend.  Well then!  I told them that they should keep going but they decided to hang back with me.  I felt bad at first because Ruth and her boyfriend were definitely made for this type of hike.  They weren't really sweating or running short on breath.  It was almost discouraging.

I kept on apologizing for making them wait because literally I was stopping at what seemed like every couple minutes (thought it was actually longer, how long? I'm not sure).  Eventually I stopped apologizing because I felt that I was getting annoying.  We kept on trekking and I could see the back of half dome, my eyes squinted a little when I realized that I could now see a faint line going up the side of the dome and at that moment I realized we were getting closer. 

Only a few miles left!  I soon realized that as I found company to walk with, I wasn't talking to God as much as I was when I was walking alone, I think this is the reason I was getting more tired and achey.  After a couple of miles together and a good distance to go on, Ruth and her Boyfriend went on ahead of me and Rosalynn.  Rosalynn and I continued at our normal pace and I kept on saying, "I'm not sure I'm going to be able to much further."  Again, forgetting what God and I had been talking about the whole time. 

I started to pray again, and prayed that God would make it very evident when enough was enough.  But still, we kept on trekking, despite my pain and despite my self-doubt.  We had FINALLY reached the bottom of the Switchbacks. The Switchbacks are vigorous sets of steps that are very strenuous.   I sat down because I realized that just beyond the switchbacks were the famous Half-Dome Cables.

There they were. The cables to ascend to the peak of Half Dome in Yosemite National Park were finally within my view. I could see several hundred people as they ventured to the top. I was sitting just below the switchbacks of the subdome, staring and asking myself, "Do you have it in you right now to make it up those cables?

At that very moment, I started to feel sick.  Not the throwing up kind of sick. I was light-headed, slightly dizzy and at first, was thinking, "NO! Not now! I am so close."

I told Rosalynn to go ahead without me and if I felt up to it, I would continue on by myself.  So Rosalynn ventured off (Good luck Rosalynn!).  I was upset!  I knew I couldn't justify going the rest of the way.  I wept for a few minutes as I felt disappointed with what seemed to be failure.  I stood up, and began to walk slowly back down the trail.  About 200 yards back down, I sat again, with the switchbacks and cables still within my view.  I was alone and I sat down and prayed.  I asked God if this was it.  I had traveled 95% of the way and God answered, "you have come as far as I want you to go." 

I can't explain what happened to me when I realized that God wouldn't let me continue on.  It wasn't my body that failed! It wasn't a fear that took over and it wasn't that I wasn't willing to go if God wanted me to go.  It was that God was with me and wanted me to give him all of the Glory.  What an opportunity!  To be able to serve God in a way that most people would call 'my failure.'  My failure WAS my success!  If I had continued on, it would simply have been because "I" wanted to, and that would be to my glory.  That might sound like the biggest cop-out or excuse ever, but I cannot explain in words just how powerful this moment was for me.

This hike wasn't meant for me after all!  It had all been building up to that moment when I realized that I was there for God and not myself.  God wanted me to spend some time with Him and He wanted me to acknowledge Him first and realize that He is my rock. Not some huge Granite dome in the ground.  He is bigger, He is stronger and He created it! As long as my feet are planted in Him, I will ALWAYS find success, not my success but His.

You might think this is where the story ends, but it doesn't.  You see, I am only halfway done with this hike!  I still have the rest of the way down to go.  I stood up took about three pictures because I wanted to remember this moment because it was awesome!  The view was still AMAZING from where I was! After all, I was 95% of the way there!  I started the long trip back down the mountain.  I decided to go alone since the others were either on the top of Half Dome already or ready to do the cables, I figured, now would be a good time to leave because they would most likely catch up with me before I got all the way back.  So I ventured off, just me and God again.

A few hundred yards later, I saw Tim G. coming up the trail.  HOW AWESOME!  He had traveled all the way up too, by himself, in pain, in agony and still he was able to make it as far as I went and then some (he made it to the cables and then turned back)  He got to see his son, Timmy, as he was coming down off of Half Dome.  I briefly told Tim of my experience and that I had to go back now and he gave me a few words of encouragement and sent me on my way.

Let's fast foward a bit, because it's all downhill him here (pun intended).  I walked, and walked and walked until I was back in Little Yosemite Valley and I slowly was approaching Nevada Falls and I made my way down the steps up to Nevada falls and I was finally near the Vernal Falls location.  (This took me several hours, mind you.)  When I was back at the top of Vernal Falls, I felt as though I had NO energy left.  I prayed again (and I was praying nearly the entire way back down) I asked God to please give me the strength to make it down these slippery and wet steps of Mist Trail.  This part is extremely dangerous, especially by yourself.

So I took a quick drink of water and started down the steps taking it literaly, one step at a time.  Once I reached the bottom of the slippery steps, I caught my breath and though my Ankles were killing me, I kept on going.  I was finally on the stretch back to Yosemite Valley!  My feet felt like they were going to fall off and going downhill at this point was actually harder on me than going uphill was.  About a third of a mile left to go in the hike, I hear behind me, "JOSH!"  At this moment, I knew that I had gone on the path that God wanted me to.  It was Chance, John O., and Timmy!  It was such an awesome feeling.  We talked briefly and I told them of my experience and we kept on walking until we were finished.

We were sitting down near Curry Village and I got to go back with the first Car and the first thing I did was give my wife a Hug because of the pain I was still in.  It was ALL worth it though because God was with me the entire time and I was able to serve Him and spend time with Him and I learned to put His will above my own and how to be a better servant to my wife. 

That day, I had some of my most intimate moments with God that I can recall and that my friends, is why my Failure was Epic.

My Constant

Do you ever have those moments where you just realize how much you have been blessed? Maybe it's a movie you watched or something you read, but despite what it is, it helps you look at your life differently.

The month of May was full of emotion. Full of the need and realization of how much I need to trust and lean on God. Only through Him will I ever truly be successful.

Anyways, so, I'm sitting here at work (productive I know), and I decided to read some of my wife's blog. What have I been missing! Seeing some of her thoughts written out is so refreshing. Sometimes I feel like we don't communicate as much as we need to and I realize that that is partially my fault. Maybe I'm too busy playing a game, or just not being good at paying attention, but she is always so loving to me and always just trying to help me be a better man, a better husband, a better leader. I feel as though I fail her constantly.

But I don't, it's not a constant failure, it's a constant attempt. No matter how much I feel like I don't, like I can't, I have to constantly tell myself and pray about it and realize that with God's help, I CAN be a good husband, I CAN be a good man, and I CAN be an amazing leader! Of course, I've tried by myself, but I can honestly say that my ultimate desire is to love and serve my God first, and my Wife second.

And I think I am slowly learning what that looks like! To be patient, to be kind, slow to become angry, etc. Spending time with some amazing men is really helping me hone in on the areas of life in which I need to grow and the areas of life I need to leave behind. Let me tell you, feeling the freedom in Christ is so amazing!

So My wife and I got the chance to hang out with two AMAZING people this last month. The husband said something that really really amazed me (thank you John for that), he said that he wanted to get a Tattoo underneath his wedding band on his ring finger. At first I thought, YES! That's a great idea, what if you lost it?! However, what it truly meant, was nothing short of amazing. It would symbolize that his relationship with God came first, and then his marriage came second.

What an awesome concept! Thank you Lord for my Amazing wife! Amazing job! Amazing Family! Amazing Church! Amazing GOD!

You also might be wondering, why did you label this blog, "My Constant?" There is a long answer and a short answer. The long answer is this: Go watch LOST, Now, the entire series and you will understand. If you don't want to, here is the short version:

There is an episode that consists of a character who becomes lost between two different times in his life, he is flashing back and forth between these times and there is a danger this could kill him because of the inconsistency it would have on his brain. He was told he had to find "a constant," something he could focus on that existed in both times. So long story short, he finds his constant and that is that, I won't ruin it too much for you.

So, I start to think how much this truly relates to us. How many times do we have one foot on one side of this fence and one foot on the other? How many times are we flashing between the "good" New found life we have in Christ and suddenly we flash back to the Hell we once lived in. This SHOULD NOT BE! We need to fully live to serve God and others and only then will we be where we are supposed to be. To stay in the "Good" Life that we have In Jesus, we MUST find our constant. What was there all along? What was there and consistent even when we weren't? CHRIST of course! That being said, I have two constants. Ones that existed in both worlds but that I can serve and love and this will help to keep me in the world that I am supposed to be in. The world of God.

My First and most important Constant is Jesus Christ. He was there when I was in a bad place, and he's there now that I'm in a good place! If I serve him first and foremost, I will be able to truly love all the rest of the people in my life how I am supposed to! Please Lord help me to keep you first!

My Second constant is my Lovely wife Breeann. She has been consistenly loving to me, consistently encouraging and she has stuck with me, many times when she shouldn't, and even when all others abandoned me. My Wife, has been such an amazing inspiration to me. After all, reading her blog, inspired me to start one too! What an awesome opportunity and amazing gift Jesus has bestowed upon me and trusted me with. It's my job to serve her, to lead her in his ways and to love her has he loved the Church. Please Lord, help me to love her like you love the church!

Well, those are my thoughts, I am choosing Christ. I am choosing love, relationships and friendships. Anything else, isn't worth it.

I love you God. I love you Breeann.